There Are Zero Valid Arguments For Not Getting Vaccinated Against Covid-19

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As Megan Alexandra Blankenbiller lay in the hospital dying, she could hear the deep, guttural moaning of people learning that their loved ones had passed. A literal Hell on earth, she spent her last days there making videos on TikTok, breathlessly pleading with viewers not to make the same mistake she did. She begged them to get vaccinated against covid-19.

Megan died from complications of covid-19 nine days after she uploaded this video.

Megan’s is one of the thousands of stories popping up as the fourth wave rips through North America. Everywhere you turn online, there’s another headline about an anti-vaxxer dying from covid. A new subreddit called The Herman Cain Award has been exploding with instances of anti-vax individuals “receiving their reward,” which is to say, succumbing to this preventable virus.

So why do we still have people opposed to a vaccine proven effective in preventing all of this? Why are people still in such denial about the single, solitary way out of this pandemic?

Here are the reasons they give and why these reasons are wrong:

“It’s an Experimental Vaccine”

mRNA is indeed a new technology, but it’s not as new as you think. mRNA is as old as Linda Ronstadt’s Don’t Know Much, Skid Row’s 18 and Life, and the B52’s Love Shack (you know, the little old place where we can get together). mRNA technology is only twelve years younger than me, and you guys, I am bloody old.

Don’t take my word for it, though. After all, you are a freethinker, and you like to “do your own research.” Here are some important papers. With dates. Whip out your abacus, kids, because these dates aren’t just going to tell you how old GM is; they indicate just how long ago we began studying mRNA tech:

mRNA in 1989: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC297778/

mRNA in the 90s: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10690409/

mRNA in 2014: https://www.nature.com/articles/nrd4278

mRNA tested in 2017: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28754494/

mRNA in 2018: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5906799/

These studies are important because mRNA vaccines are a sort of “plug and play” vaccine, which means we had already developed the mRNA technology before the Covid-19 pandemic. All we needed to create a vaccine for the current pandemic was to “plug in” the information for this specific virus. The components had already been built, put together and tested in clinical trials for rabies, Zika and other ailments. The only difference was that the covid mRNA vaccine had information on fighting off covid rather than rabies or Zika.

What’s more, all of the covid vaccines approved for use in the USA and Canada went through all standard trials. No part of this phase was skipped or sped up.

Pfizer completed all 3 phases of trials:

https://www.pfizer.com/news/press-release/press-release-detail/pfizer-and-biontech-announce-publication-results-landmark

AstraZeneca completed all 3 phases of trials:

https://www.thelancet.com/action/showPdf?pii=S0140-6736(20)32661-1

Moderna completed all 3 phases of trials:

https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/nejmoa2035389

Contrary to widespread misinformation, the animal trial phase of vaccine testing was also not skipped.

Moderna was tested on mice: https://investors.modernatx.com/news-releases/news-release-details/moderna-announces-positive-interim-phase-1-data-its-mrna-vaccine

Pfizer was tested on rhesus monkeys: https://www.pfizer.com/news/press-release/press-release-detail/pfizer-and-biontech-announce-data-preclinical-studies-mrna

AstraZeneca was tested on monkeys:

https://www.pharmaceutical-technology.com/news/oxford-university-covid-19-vaccine-monkey-data/

There is nothing experimental about any of the covid vaccines. All of them completed all three standard phases of trials. All were tested on animals. We’ve been collecting even more data over the last ten months while administering 6.2 billion doses worldwide.

There is more data backing these vaccines than any other vaccine ever developed. There is more data supporting the efficacy and safety of the covid vaccines than there is for most medicines, foods and ingredients you put in your body willingly daily.

“I Don’t Know What’s In The Vaccine”

Even though you don’t know what’s in most of what you consume every day, I’ll humour you. It’s incredibly hypocritical to knock back a Bud Light and a 9-piece McNuggy and then insist you won’t get the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it, but this is life and death so let’s knock this one down, shall we?

The thing about life in 2021 is that we have the entirety of human knowledge at our fingertips. That means that we can all find out what’s in the vaccines easily. When this very point came up with a family member who was hesitant to get vaccinated, it took me half a second to find the answer. Hell, with my Google-Fu, it may have even been a quarter. In any case, here are the big scary ingredients you’re so fucking worried about.

The ingredients of the mRNA vaccine are:

• mRNA (30 micrograms) – you already have RNA present in your body; this is no different except for one thing: the RNA in the vaccine carries a message telling your body how to create the covid spike protein, triggering an immune response. Like a military drill, this is a dry run, getting your immune system prepared for the real thing.

• Lipids (less than a milligram) – these are already present in your body, a naturally occurring fat.

• Polyethylene Glycol (.05 mg) – a fat, a minute amount, a mere fraction of the amount present in laxatives and products like Pepto Bismal.

• Cholesterol (0.2 mg) – we all know what this is! You get more of it in your eggs.

• Potassium Chloride (0.01mg) – literally potassium salt, it’s what we use to treat low blood potassium, and it’s been deemed one of the world’s most essential medicines.

• Monobasic Potassium Phosphate – 0.01mg of this too. It’s a salt. If you’ve ever had Gatorade, you’ve drunk a thousand times this amount.

• Sodium Chloride (0.36mg) – I’m hoping we all know this is the chemical name for salt, yes, even sea salt and pink Himalayan salt and grey salt and all those fancy salts the hippies love.

• Dibasic Sodium Phosphate Dihydrate -(0.07mg) another salt present in vastly larger quantities in cream of wheat, Jell-o and chocolate bars!

• Sucrose (6 mg) – sugar.

But don’t take my word for it, Jim Bob, here is the ingredient list from Pfizer: http://labeling.pfizer.com/ShowLabeling.aspx?id=14472

Do you know what these vaccines don’t have? Microchips, magnetized particles, or anything that can alter your DNA. They certainly aren’t made with mystery meat pink slime. For that, you gotta order your nuggies from Don-Don’s.

“My Immune System Works Fine”

This statement is what we like to call “telling on ourselves.” It can be loosely translated to, “I have absolutely no idea how a vaccine is supposed to work at all, in any way, shape, or form and when people have tried explaining it to me—because in a pandemic, you know they have—I shove my idiot fingers into my idiot ears and refuse to hear it.”

Of course your immune system works. That’s what the vaccine needs.

Think of it this way: let’s imagine Rick Grimes living in the post-zombie apocalypse hellscape that is Georgia. He’s got stuff (maybe even things) to protect, stuff he cares about, right? His kids, his wife, his friends, the homestead he’s trying to rebuild. He’d do anything to protect those things, but in the years following the apocalypse, the walkers kind of took a back seat as the biggest threat to Rick and his family. Instead, the most significant danger became other humans, who were also trying to survive in an accursed post-apocalyptic countryside. Necessities are scarce. Food, medicine, gear, all of it is scrounged for, cultivated, built by hand. As such, different groups of humans find themselves at odds, trying to take what they can from whomever they can just to live to see another day. The biggest threat to Rick and his family are the humans on the other side of the gate, trying to take the carrots he spent all summer tending to or the penicillin they looted from a nearby doctor’s office. These assholes won’t think twice before storming the doors of the Grimes compound, killing everything in their way, from livestock to grandma and the kids. Rick knows because he’s fought them off before. He’s a badass, and there’s no doubt. Mr. Grimes routinely leads his men into battle, fighting off the rogue gangs of apocalypse-jaded raiders. He comes home bloodied and tired, but he’s still standing. That tough motherfucker is still breathing.

At some point, though, Rick decides he needs some scouts. He needs people to take turns roaming the lands outside the compound, collecting intel on other groups that could threaten to breach Chez Grimes’s walls. One night, one of Rick’s buddies is killed while on patrol. It was dark, but the other men patrolling the area saw a herd of zombies. What was different about it, though, was that they seemed to be communicating with each other. Whispering. In English. It dawned on the surviving scouts that this was no herd of walkers. Instead, it was another vicious gang of hungry marauders who had found a new way to travel the landscape undetected. It looked like they were heavily armed and headed for the compound.

Now, we’ve covered that Rick is capable and has fought off many roving gangs before this one. He’s in good shape, with no injuries or illnesses to of which to speak. But here are the million-dollar questions:

Do you think Rick’s scouts should come back to tell Rick about the whisperers? Is it in Rick’s best interest to learn, before there is ever any invasion, that there is a new threat in town and how to identify them? Do you think it would give Rick and his family a higher chance of survival if Rick were warned about the looming threat and given vital details that will help him prepare for their invasion? Do you think it improves the likelihood that the compound comes out of the conflict relatively unscathed?

Now imagine Rick is your immune system. The whisperers are a virus. The scouts carrying critical intel on how to fight off invaders? Those are vaccines.

Of course your immune system works great; no one is questioning that. Vaccines heavily rely on the fact that your immune system works great to be effective. A vaccine is sent to deliver critical intel to your immune system, giving it a head start in fighting off the virus in question. Why would any sane person turn away a head start at fighting off potentially life-threatening invaders?

We already know, not even badass Rick Grimes would turn it down.

“But There Have Been 14,000 Deaths From Vaccines Reported to VAERS in 2021”

Ahhh, my favourite argument against vaccines. It’s so bloody easy to highlight how the person using this data is cherry-picking the information they share with you and has no interest at all in the information that disproves their position. It’s easy because right there, on the VAERS website, they explain this data. Right next to the data. Anti-vaxxers ignore the explanation of the data, though, and use the big numbers to scare you out of life-saving preventative medicine. This argument alone should be enough to understand that anti-vaxxers aren’t concerned with your health and safety; they are solely concerned with convincing. Let’s jump into this a little deeper, so you get what I’m saying, shall we?

First of all, VAERS stands for Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System. It is a self-reporting tool. Right there on the website is a form so you can add a report yourself: report to VAERS. Understand what this means: I can go to this page, fill out the form with a story about how the vaccine caused the growth of a single horn in my forehead, click submit, and my report will be added to the total number of Vaccine Adverse Events reported in 2021. I happen to know that one of the vaccine adverse events reported to VAERS was from a man who said a vaccine had turned him into the Incredible Hulk.

VAERS is a reporting tool open to the entire world despite collecting data in the United States. Anyone can submit any story, and it’s automatically added to the numbers you keep using to scare people away from life-saving vaccines. What’s more, the deaths reported to VAERS result from a federal policy requiring physicians to report any death at all that happens after a covid vaccine to VAERS. Any death. That includes deaths from sky-diving accidents and choking on fried chicken. It includes deaths from cancer and heart disease, deaths from suicide and overdose. It even contains deaths from covid. None of those deaths have been verified as caused by a vaccine. Most of them aren’t even suspected to be linked to any vaccine. Most of them are understood to have been caused by something else entirely.

Don’t take my word for it, though. It’s right there on the website you find truthful enough to share data from and had you done any actual reading on the numbers you were spewing, you’d already know this. Check this page, it says:

“Healthcare providers are required to report to VAERS the following adverse events after COVID-19 vaccination [under Emergency Use Authorization (EUA)], and other adverse events if later revised by CDC:

• Vaccine administration errors, whether or not associated with an adverse event (AE)

• Serious AEs regardless of causality. Serious AEs per FDA are defined as:

• Death;

• A life-threatening AE;

• Inpatient hospitalization or prolongation of existing hospitalization;

• A persistent or significant incapacity or substantial disruption of the ability to conduct normal life functions;

• A congenital anomaly/birth defect;

• An important medical event that based on appropriate medical judgement may jeopardize the individual and may require medical or surgical intervention to prevent one of the outcomes listed above.”

The key phrase here is regardless of causality. It doesn’t matter what the cause of the death is or the cause of the adverse event. You are required to report it. If someone breaks their neck and dies skiing after getting the vaccine, that counts as one death in the 14,000 reported to VAERS in 2021. Suppose someone falls into a vat of acid during a shootout with international jewel thieves in an abandoned factory. In that case, this death must be reported to VAERS by law, even though it was clearly caused by a high-risk Bond-Esque lifestyle and not the vaccine.

Also, from the VAERS website, the very same website you got that 14,000 figure, is written this,

“A report to VAERS generally does not prove that the identified vaccine(s) caused the adverse event described. It only confirms that the reported event occurred sometime after vaccine was given. No proof that the event was caused by the vaccine is required in order for VAERS to accept the report. VAERS accepts all reports without judging whether the event was caused by the vaccine.”

So, now that we understand what VAERS is, and we know the information on how to interpret the data is freely accessible on the website, I have no choice but to ask why you glossed over that part of your source while freely distributing numbers that scare people out of getting a shot that could save their lives? Why would you be so willing to share this data but not the critical disclaimers on interpreting the data? You had to have known about it, right? You’re the one always going on and on about “doing your own research,” so clearly, you read these essential parts of the VAERS website before sharing the data, right? You did the research, right? So why leave out those details? Because you’re cherry-picking, like any televangelist on your set trying to weasel you out of your money with carefully selected Bible verses. You’re sharing the big scary numbers without sharing what those big, alarming numbers represent. This tactic proves your dishonesty and renders any future argument you give against vaccines null and void because you can’t be trusted to provide us with all the information, only the bits that support your demented and murderous position. This argument alone outs you as a liar and killer. Your willingness to conveniently leave out key details may lead to the unnecessary deaths of the people to whom you speak.

And yet, you seem to believe your position on vaccines is deserving of respect and equivalent to my position. You literally want to freedom to kill people and think that deserves respect.

“It Doesn’t Even Protect You From Getting Sick”

A vaccine is not a force field. We’re fighting a virus, not Romulans. The vaccine is not designed to stop you from getting infected, though it does reduce your chances of that. It’s intended to give your immune system the information it needs to fight the virus off before you experience severe symptoms, hospitalization or death. It’s developed to save you some pain and maybe even your life when you do catch covid.

Some data out of my home province, for your consideration:

• Unvaccinated people are 12 times more likely to catch covid than fully vaccinated people

• The unvaxxed are 34 times more likely to require hospitalization than fully vaxxed folks

• The unvaccinated are eight times more likely to die from covid than fully vaccinated people

So yeah, even though I can still catch covid and still get sick from it, I’d rather those increased odds that I don’t get severely ill, require hospitalization or die from it. I don’t want to get covid at all, but if I do, I like that head start giving me an edge in beating it, and I honestly cannot wrap my mind around why anyone wouldn’t.

“Vaccinated People Are Just As Likely To Spread Covid As Unvaccinated People”

It blows my mind that anyone could repeat this without a simple Google search to verify that it’s true because it’s about as true as Neil Gaiman’s masterpiece, American Gods, which is to say, of course, that it is not true at all.

All of the data collected on how vaccinated people spread covid indicates that those who had their two jabs are not only contagious for significantly less time than their unvaccinated counterparts, but the virus they end up carrying while infected is less infectious.

Of course, that doesn’t mean a vaccinated person can’t spread covid. They absolutely can, but when the virus is less contagious, and the host is infectious for shorter periods, it reduces the odds that the covid sufferer will spread it to anyone else. If they do, they won’t infect as many people as an unvaccinated person. Some studies suggest fully vaccinated individuals are up to 65% less likely to infect another person.

If you value human life at all, you would naturally be interested in anything that could reduce the chances that you spread a virus to someone who could potentially die from it.

“Why do I need a vaccine for something that has a 99% survival rate?”

Another misleading data point, and I suspect you know this, given we already know you cherry-picked what parts of the VAERS data you decided to share. First of all, covid doesn’t have a 99% survival rate. In the US, 98.2% of covid patients survived, which doesn’t sound much different until you take into consideration several factors:

1. Your personal chances of survival have nothing at all to do with how many people before you have survived. Your chances of survival are based on various factors, including:

2. Your current health

3. Whether or not you were or are a smoker

4. Obesity

5. Pre-existing conditions, whether they have been diagnosed or not (asthma, allergies, diabetes, immunodeficiency disorders, and so on)

6. Your age

7. Your vaccination status

8. Your access to life-saving healthcare

9. The law of high numbers: A 1.8% fatality rate in the United States of America has amounted to over 700,000 deaths. An immense number, recalling we have spent the last 20 Septembers remembering the loss of 3000 American lives. The losses that have resulted from Covid amount to 233 separate 9/11s. So yes, you may survive, but will the four people to whom you spread covid survive? What about the people they infected? Will they survive? Are you really okay with catching something you could then unknowingly spread to someone who dies, maybe a grandma or a firefighter or a recruit in the navy? Are you alright with being a link in the chain that caused that death, and potentially others, so long as you have a good chance of survival? Do you understand how sociopathic that sounds?

10. Long covid: It is estimated approximately 1 in 3 covid patients get long covid. Out of 44,500,000 cases in the USA, that means around 15 million people will suffer the effects of long covid. It doesn’t matter your fitness or health. Even athletes in peak physical condition have contracted long covid, such as college football star, Justin Clemson who struggles just to go grocery shopping now and has been forced to retire from football. There are also NBA players Mohammed Bamba of the Orlando Magic and Jayson Tatum of the Boston Celtics. Bamba lost significant time on the court as it took him six months to fully recover; some say his career will never be the same. Tatum has not been able to come back to complete form yet, getting winded easily from just running up and down the court. British Olympic rower, ​​Oonagh Cousins, trained 35 hours per week until she got covid. For months, she struggled to just get out of bed. One year later and Cousins can only manage 20-minute workouts a couple of times per week. She’s 26. Other Olympic hopefuls found their dreams of qualifying for the Olympics were derailed by long-haul covid, like Priscilla Loomis, a high jumper from the US who had qualified previously. The list of people in top shape suffering from long-haul covid is endless. This begs the question, do you think you’re in better shape than college football stars, NBA players and Olympic athletes? Do you think you will come out of covid without life-altering long-haul symptoms even though these elite athletes couldn’t manage that? Here’s what you have to look forward to:

11. Fatigue

12. Shortness of breath or difficulty breathing

13. Cough

14. Joint pain

15. Chest pain

16. Memory, concentration or sleep problems

17. Muscle pain or headache

18. Fast or pounding heartbeat

19. Loss of smell or taste

20. Depression or anxiety

21. Fever

22. Dizziness when you stand

23. Worsened symptoms after physical or mental activities

So, you might have a good chance of surviving, but will the people you infect? Will you walk away unscathed, or will you need hospital care and ventilation? Will you suffer long-term effects, or do you think you have better chances of coming out of it in tip-top shape than elite athletes at the peak of human physical form? Survival is not the only desired outcome here. We have to consider all of the harmful effects of covid, including its damage to our healthcare system.

The main reason covid-19 has been a concern worldwide from day one has nothing to do with the fatality rate. Instead, the top concern about covid has always been its potential to overwhelm healthcare systems, which has dire effects on people who need medical care for anything, not just covid.

Take, for example, the province of Alberta. At the beginning of summer, the loose cannon premier, Jason Kenney, decided to open everything up, remove all covid restrictions and declare that this would be the best summer ever. Alberta even went so far as to remove quarantine requirements for those who tested positive for the virus.

As was easily predicted, this resulted in the worst summer ever and has led to the Canadian military coming in to assist Alberta’s overworked healthcare staff. Currently, Alberta’s healthcare system is operating at close to 200% ICU capacity. Elective surgeries have been cancelled, and serious surgeries have also been postponed. Sharon Durham, who suffers from rare and deadly cancer, was scheduled to have potentially life-saving surgery in Edmonton. The hospital cancelled her surgery due to the overwhelming number of covid patients. If Sharon succumbs to her cancer, it directly results from this pandemic, even though she doesn’t have covid. In early September, a woman died waiting in the ER at a Kamloops, BC hospital because it had been overrun with covid patients coupled with the fact that multiple staff had resigned from covid burnout. In Kansas, ​​Robert Van Pelt died waiting for a bed in the ICU, which was full of covid patients.

Now, what do you think happens if we do nothing to curb the spread of covid, allow our healthcare system to become overrun, and then you get yourself into a car accident and suffer life-threatening, though treatable injuries? How does the fact that you have a 98.2% chance of surviving covid help you in this scenario? If you arrive at the hospital in bad condition and there just isn’t a single bed available for you, I hope that 98.2% covid survival rate still brings you the comfort it seems to now, because honey, you’re fucked.

The reason why we have been so concerned about this virus since day one is its transmissibility. This virus is so contagious it spread from China across the world in a matter of weeks. The number of people who contract it at once causes the concern, not the fatality rate, because when we all catch it at once, it’s just simple math to figure out: only some of us are going to get treatment. The goal, then, is to reduce the spread. The goal is not to survive; it’s to slow the spread. We must reduce the spread before we ever have to think about our chances of survival. Reducing the spread means only a few are in the hospital with covid at any given time, ensuring our healthcare system is operating for us when we need it for anything, not just covid.

This argument highlights your narcissism. It shines a spotlight on the fact that you don’t give three fucks who the hell you spread it to, or how that spread might impact your healthcare system because as long as you have a good chance of surviving, that’s all that matters.

Unfortunately, we can’t function in society this way. We must concern ourselves with the well-being of the people around us. It’s why we have speed limits, rules against driving under the influence, health and safety standards in restaurants and so on. We do this to look out for one another so that our society can thrive as a whole. It is clear; you’re only concerned with your own ability to thrive, making you unfit for society altogether.

“But they’ll keep pushing boosters after you get both shots!”

It’s important to get a hold of yourself, Karen. Just take a minute and breathe. We have had booster shots for many different ailments for decades, and you didn’t seem to have a problem with that. Would you poo-poo a tetanus booster if you had to hit the ER after cutting yourself on a pickle jar or stepping on a rusty nail? Would you tell a doctor not to give your kid the tetanus booster if they did the same? Hep A boosters just not a thing for you? What about Hepatitis C? Flu? Measles? Mumps? Rubella? Are these boosters an issue for you, too? What about diphtheria and pertussis? You’d rather risk these diseases than get a booster shot?

Here’s why some of us need booster shots in simple language you might be able to understand. Recall our story about Rick Grimes and how he represented your perfectly functioning immune system. Imagine that some people have an immune system represented by a 94-year-old Rick Grimes with a poor memory. The dude’s still lived a badass life, full of accomplishments to be proud of, but at the moment, his memory is the shits. A booster shot is like having his scouts remind him of the looming whisperer threat every once in a while, so he has an easier time remembering. Some people have an immune system that needs a little extra help.

But suppose it turns out that immunologists worldwide overwhelmingly agree that even people with perfectly functioning immune systems need boosters. In that case, that’s also a good thing because no matter how clever, sharp or in shape Rick is, he can still forget shit if enough time goes by. Boosters help our immune system remember how to fight off a potentially deadly virus. It’s that simple. I will happily take as many jabs as are recommended by people who spend their lives studying infectious disease because it gives me a head start and an advantage over the virus that could kill or incapacitate me. What is wrong with you that you don’t think this is a good thing?

Vaccines and boosters are literally how we eliminated multiple diseases that used to be a common threat to human beings. Diseases that used to kill people en masse, but now we barely hear of them. There’s a reason for that, and that reason is vaccines and vaccine boosters.

“It’s My Choice! It’s My Freedom”

Oh, honey. It’s not your fault. You’ve had American culture shoved down your throat so forcefully, you’ve been drooling red, white and blue since the dawn of Facebook. You’re so wrong, though. Freedom doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want to do without consequences. It also doesn’t mean you have the right to infringe on other people’s freedom. Someone along the line should have taught you that, and I’m sorry the people who raised you failed in that respect. There’s an old saying, and I couldn’t tell you who said it first because it’s been attributed to a lot of people, but it goes like this:

“Your freedom ends where mine begins.”

In other words, you are free to choose not to get the vaccine. Many people have chosen to remain unvaccinated, which is evidence that you are free to make this decision. However, you are not free to increase my odds of getting covid because of your choice. We’ve covered the fact that vaccinated people can still contract covid. We’ve covered the fact that unvaccinated people spread covid at a much higher rate than vaccinated folk. Meaning that if you and I are in the same vicinity, without our masks or layers of protection, I have an increased chance of catching covid from you by a whole bunch. So, if you remain unvaccinated while attending the same unmasked events and gatherings as me, you’re putting my health and well-being at risk.

You are literally demanding the “freedom” to put my health at risk.

What the absolute fuck is wrong with you?

You are not entitled to this freedom. You see, you are free to own a gun, but you are not free to fire it in a crowded park. You are free to drive your car, but you are not free to drive it drunk. You’re free to ride the bus, but you’re not free to light up a cigarette while you do. You are free to remain unvaxxed, but you’re not free to put my health at risk because of it. Your freedom, Brett, ends where mine begins.

“I’m going to wait to see the long term effects of the vaccines”

To be honest, this is just weird. I have heard this mostly from people who think Taco Bell is an integral part of the Canadian Food Guide’s healthy food pyramid. There’s also a small fraction of people who spew this who are rarely seen without an energy drink in their hand or a vape cloud encircling their empty dome.

Let’s make a little list, shall we? A list of things we know the long term effects of:

• Fast food

• High-fructose drinks

• Energy drinks

• Smoking/vaping

• Birth control

• Alcohol

• Sedentary lifestyles

• Botox

• Caffeine

Hey Karen? Have you cut all of these out of your life because they have awful long-term side effects? Have ya?

You wanna know what else we know the long-term effects of?

The mRNA covid vaccines.

But how, you ask? How can we know the long-term effects of a vaccine that just came out a year ago? It’s pretty simple, Chet, and it takes us back to the point I made several thousand words ago about the vaccine being a “plug and play” vaccine.

Now, just because GM can’t get through a point without a poorly crafted analogy, we’re going to do it again. Ever used a power drill? It could be battery-operated or wired, but it spins at high speeds in either direction, right? You can choose to drill clockwise, and you can choose to drill counterclockwise. Either way, when you turn that fully-charged, fully-functioning beast on, it whirs, doesn’t it? You can change the bits out for varying tasks, right?

Okay, so let’s say Ikea comes up with a new type of screw tomorrow, one for which you don’t have a drill bit. You have to buy that brand new drill bit to build your kiddo’s Swedish princess bed.

The drill bit is new, but your drill is not. The fact that this bit is new has no impact on how your drill itself works, does it? You’re pretty confident that this drill bit will do what all the other bits have done in the past, right? You pop it in your drill, tighten it up and get screwing, right? Your drill will still go in reverse; it will still function as always. There’s no reason to believe that this new drill bit will fuck up your drill in any way, and there’s no reason to think you won’t be able to complete the princess bed once you have it.

Drill technology goes back a bit. The invention of a new drill bit isn’t going to derail the abilities of a drill anytime soon, is it?

Now, back to vaccines. mRNA vaccines have been in existence for many years already; their function, efficacy and safety have been established more so than any other vaccine. They existed before the pandemic in the particular state in which they exist for the covid vaccine. Like your drill, though, they just needed a new bit. That is how we created the vaccine so fast. The drill already existed in perfect functioning order, and all we had to do was plug in a new bit and get to the trial phase.

We know the long-term effects of mRNA vaccines because we have studied them for decades. We’ve tested them for rabies and Zika. We’ve also explored the technology in fighting cancer. We are fully and completely aware of the long-term effects of mRNA vaccines.

Again, more so than any other vaccine in history.

So, if that’s all you’re waiting for, the wait is over, Debbie. Time for your shots.

“You got your vaccine. You’re protected, right? Why do you need me to get vaccinated?”

Let’s pop some other fun words in this sentence to point out the absurdity:

You don’t drive drunk, so you’re protected, right? Why do you need me to be sober driving?

You don’t serve expired meat to your family, so you’re protected, right? Why do you need me to refrain from serving expired meat in my restaurant?

You don’t open fire in a crowded park, so you’re protected, right? Why do you need me to stop firing in a crowded park?

You know why, Kyle. Because you can spread covid at a higher rate than someone who has been vaccinated. You can spread it to those with a compromised immune system and potentially kill them. You can spread it to multiple people and end up in a hospital with them, blocking access to emergency care that others might need. Despite my significantly reduced odds of catching covid, you can also spread it to me, and though I might survive, we’ve already covered the fact that is but one of the many concerns about this pandemic that require us to act. Your choice affects my life, the lives of many others and our healthcare system as a whole.

Why, then, would you not take this safe and efficient shot after learning everything I’ve said here?

Because you’re an idiot, that’s why. Not only are you an idiot because you still don’t understand that your vaccination status has a direct link to whether or not I am exposed to a potentially deadly virus, but you’re also an idiot because everything I’ve written here is widely available to you at the tap of a finger and you’ve ignored it all. I am positive there are people in your life who have tried to explain all of this to you on numerous occasions, but you refuse to hear it because this has nothing to do with hesitancy over a vaccine. It has everything to do with your need to feel like a victim, to be the special one who stands out, like a Karen in a greasy spoon diner with 17 special requests for her pancake stack. You want the attention; you want the cause. Suddenly, your sad, mundane life has meaning because you’re sticking it to the man and refusing a jab that could save your fucking life.

You’re not the first, though, Brad. Numerous Karens came before you, swearing to their Facebook Gods and YouTube Prophets that they wouldn’t get sticked with that sheeple shot. People like James, who posted this on March 4th, 2021:

And then posted this to Facebook on April 2nd, 2021:

He posted this one on April 28th:

And his memorial page posted this in September 2021:

Or like Jim, who posted this to Facebook last December,

Soon after, he posted this comment about how he’s not getting the vaccine,

And he then posted this on September 7th, just last month:

A few days later, his daughter posted this,

Megan Alexandra Blankenbiller also came before you. Herman Cain, Bob Enyart, Dick Farrel, Marc Bernier, Jimmy DeYoung Sr., and Phil Valentine came before you. You’re literally fighting for your right not to improve your odds in a fight against this virus. You’re fighting for your freedom to win your posthumous Herman Cain award. You’re fighting for your right to prolong this pandemic, the lockdowns, the restrictions, the masks and the struggle; keep ‘em coming, right? You’re fighting for your right to be a complete moron, to stubbornly ignore the facts that are readily available in mere seconds. Most heinously, you’re fighting for your right to yield a deadly weapon and put the lives and health of other people at risk.

If I had my way, you’d all be in prison. As far as I’m concerned, murder is murder, no matter the weapon.

Get. Fucking. Vaccinated. You’re out of arguments.

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